She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
