yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm sobbing to NWA
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
