apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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