im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize