Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
