I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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