I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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