I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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