you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
