Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
