you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
