I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
