I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
