Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
FUCK WHALES
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
