So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Welp...herpes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What a dumb baby whore.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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