What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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