I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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