My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
