I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
