god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
