I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
