I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
