He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize