rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize