Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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