I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
