We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
