Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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