woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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