in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
