He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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