Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
