it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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