I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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