but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
