Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Randomize
