How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
