you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
