his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize