Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This is my gift to your gina
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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