i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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