Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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