I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
