I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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