this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
