Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
