Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
