I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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