Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My feet surprised me
Randomize
