ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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