Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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