You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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