Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
