i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
