i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
