Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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