Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
